the self seeking me

blah!
today has been good but also a trip down memory lane. im not ever sure if i would say memory lane maybe more of a bad relationship haunting. yeah that's what it feels like, a haunting. Christian radio just told me keep praying, pray through all the hard times. well what exactly do i pray? please God help me see your truth and not all his lies and help me see the beauty in this whole situation. help me to not be self seeking in working out or getting ready for the day or a night on the town. i want to do the defined challenge with my dad in January but all i can think of is trying to look my best so that D face will see me and feel like a loser. how is that doing any good for me? or for him? why do i need some selfish person who is consumed with body image and consumed with getting attention from any female who looks his way? what kind of attention would i be getting? his lustful attention and that's meaningless. he's never looked at me and said, "oh what a great loving person." no he's either said, "wow she looks good ill try and get her back" or "hmm today is a bad hair and body day for her so ill call britt." im sick of wanting his attention! why am i so addicted it's done absolutely nothing good for me in the past why would it do any good now????