the girl who became a toy

it's over for good. the sad part about everything is that a i feel so stupid for putting up with everthing for this long. no longer do i have to worry about whether or not he is telling the truth or him always saying no to hanging out with my friends. i don't have to feel like i need to answer to him when he asks where im at or what im doing. i know he only did those things because he can't be trusted so why should he trust me. i don't have to worry constantly if he really loves me for me because i know he doesn't. he's never cared about my family or cared to get to know my friends or church family. thats how you really get to know someone is by being emursed in thier life. he never gave that to me. i know he is still playing the same control game with me. randomly calling me at work to, "say hi" why do i let him do that to me? why is that okay with me at all or how has it ever been okay? am i the controling one who needs constant attention or reassurance that a guy is into me or not quite over me yet? it's all a bunch of crap and i literally have no idea how this constant gut renching feeling in the pit of my stomach is going to go away. this game of control over who calls who and who doesn't call back or text is sickening. i have a list of reasons to hate him but when i go thru them all i end up hating myself for letting it all happen. i want to be done trying to figure him out. i have this urge to jump inside his brain and disect it to figure out why he is the way he is and just how twisted he thinks. i let him ruin everything for me. and it's me ruining it for myself because i can't say no. dear Jesus please grab ahold of me and don't let go of me. shake this addiction and confusion out of me please! please i beg you!

it's raining its pouring the old man is soring! he went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning!
oh my goodness that pour old man! nursery rhymes are ridiculously morbid. the old man was just trying to go to bed and instead he knocked himself out and couldn't wake up...as in he died?? creepy! now im creeped out by my parents who let me read that sort of thing.
well anyways i may officially be done with tanning. today in the paper, one of our customers who owns Golden edge tanning was interviewed in a manipulative way. he said the journal took advantage of him and misrepresented everything he said. anyways the article was talking about how absolutely horrible tanning beds are for peoples skin. they compared it to arsenic poisoning.

this morning i went the the gym to do legs and i saw craigers mccool! he went to Canada last week for his grandmother's funeral. he said she was the most loving person he had ever met in his life. he said at the funeral they couldn't help but be happy because she had such a great life and without a shadow of a doubt she was with God. the way he was talking about her, describing her unconditional love for people made me want to be like her. before Craig left for Canada last week i saw him outside of Starbucks. after he told me he was about to leave i said, "you better get me a key chain you crazy Canadian!" so instead this morning he gave me a black and white track jacket that says "Canada" on it :) i'm trilled! oh man that reminds me, the same day i saw him at Starbucks his brother and younger cousin came up to us at the car. these two are like the two brothers from ocean's 12. they are always up to no good and getting into whatever kind of trouble sounds good at the time. right when they walked up to the car they looked at each other then looked at Craig and said, "hey man, you wanna get some fireworks before we leave and light them on the road?" so funny because they were dead serious and they always come up with some retarded antic. seeing guys like that make me want to either have a few sons or just marry a guy who is up for whatever as long as morally right ;)

Trainies nexted out

so this break up was pretty much set up for me. after not asking how my morning was or how my workout went over the phone and telling me, "i just wanted to call you back so you didn't think i was ignoring you." no i wasn't calling to say "hi" or "i miss you" or "just wanted to see what you were up to..." he text.. how was your workout. so we started to talk and i told him i had so much fun with destiny at the gym and on our walk last night and of course he asked the question, the one i knew was he was going to ask sooner or later. "So what does destiny think of our situation?"
man if there was ever a perfect way out of a relationship and onto the things that matter most to me this was it! i told him she thought i needed a spiritual leader and someone who was just as excited about God as i am. then i reached in and grabbed my guts and held them as i text, "im not going to lie, its hard that you don't love God." well something like that..
maybe if he had the love of Christ in him and read God's word, a whole lot of bad "stuff" (thats for you danielle) would have never happened in our relationship. all i know from this entire situation over the past two years is: boys do not change for girls, they are only "trainable." still the same person just a little disciplined.

lei i just read your blog and it has inspired me to vent as well.
im right there with you when you say FML. mine consists of the same old crap. being mad every other day at a boy who doesn't really care about me and who i can't see even marrying because of what a jerk he's turned out to be. rather than sitting and thinking through my problems and figuring out a resonable solution, i light a cigarette instead. im positive im addicted because danielle offered to pick me up yesterday to go to jack in the box and i declined because i wanted to drive and have a smizzy (chris and bri's word for a cig). now today Daniel is being weird. he called this morning and when i called him back he said, "im at the bank ill call you in a few." yea that was and hour ago. he's with his bf Kang and Kang is that guy who thinks girls are only good for one thing and that no one should have a gf. so im assuming daniel is playing the cool guy and not calling because Kang is around. :) thanks for being a douce bag it really makes my day! so i just text and said, "did you forget to call or do you just not want to because you're with Kang?" it will piss him off and then ill get blamed for the whole thing. i love my life! hahahaha he just wrote back..." i called and left a message, check your voicemail." wow i do suck. i hate my life! im such a crazy B i hate it.

im sipping on hot coco in the middle of the day during 100 heat :) the hot coco helps me bear the freezing cold AC ive talked about before. plus i wanted something chocolate. today danielle and i have decided we need to be good masters and take our puppies (who haven't grown in months) the the dog park. im looking forward to it. i need some sun and the company of my best friend. jack jack will be thrilled! first riding in the car with me and then getting to play with a million other puppies! life is good!

Silly Friday

mom and i went car shopping all day friday and she feel in love with a used Audi TT. it's this adorable turbo engine silver sports car with orange leather seats. SO perfect for her! she bought it this moring and cruised to my work to celebrate :)
friday night i went to stover's party with chris and bri. i arrived at chris' and got off the phone to jump in the van with him and bri and head to stover's. stover is known as the jerk from high school but according to chris, "he's a nice guy, he just gets with a lot of girls." anytime someone was looking for stover at the party they'd say, "where's stover?"
"we don't know."
"he's probably gettin with some chick."
it was fun to mingle with people i hadn't seen in a while and bond with drunk people and hear about their ex relationships and how apparently now they are way better off and "completely over it!" no one is completely over someone else when they wont stop babbling about them while intoxicated. :)
i finally wanted to go home at like two thirty but i needed a ride to my car so these two really small guys offered me a ride. i thought maybe they were genetically small, no it was because they were still in high school. they went and got their car and when they pulled up so i could get in, i opened the back door and heard the driver say "im sorry mom! ill be home soon. i lost track of time!"
A Freak-n Dorable!