vacation time means blog time!! yay!! it feels like summer again at work, without the warm sunny weather and the cute bright pink halter top. i came in at eight this morning and so far i filed, checked facebook, vacuumed, ate two pieces of the yummy banana bread Sweetie's cleaning made for us, and just finished reading the money chapter in Blue Like Jazz. in an hour i get to leave and go hang out with my Grandad while my Nana goes to her writer's group Christmas party. last night she was so excited about how fun the white elephant gift exchange is going to be. it sounded like she just learned what a white elephant gift exchange was because she explained the whole process in a pretty detailed enthusiastic manner. lol she's adorable. so i might be getting a new truck, my car is falling apart so my dad is buying a new truck and giving me his old one. the term "old one" refers to his super nice, taken care of, very new ranger pick up!!

the Lord says to not delight in other people's misfortunes, like finding joy when someone you dislike has heart break or looks stupid in front of other people. that's what im going through now.
i had a very funny chat with my friend Ben today over text. he was telling me about his liar of a friend and how he has this stripper girlfriend, he steals Ben's clients, he is still trying to get with my friend and blah blah blah. well the D face got brought up because not only does he at exactly like Ben's friend but Ben works with him. well after D face was brought up in comparison to Ben's friend, Ben went off to me about a bunch of negative stuff about him. im not going to repeat it because it's gossip and i get too excited about what he said. that's my problem and the point i am trying to make, im taking delight in the fact that horrible thoughts are circling around about him. im refreshed to find out that im not the only one in the world who knows the truth and that not only do his friends know but all of his co-workers. im not trying to justify feeling glad about people's opinions of him, but after all that has happened, it's nice to know people agree with me.

why does God make it so that men lose their hair around forty? every man would be so much more attractive if God let it stay in. OK so scientifically we need our hair for protection and warmth right? well do old men not need protection and warmth? hmm i hope my hair stays in.

Coldie but Goodie

today has been a great rainy day :)
i took a US History midterm this morning and i feel pretty good about it. the study secession with Mara was fast and informative last night. anything i didn't know she knew and vise verse. later i had yoga and i decided to leave during corpse pose to go outside and smoke a cigarette. (Oh by the way i did a head stand in class!! yay! my first two ever!) it was a good decision because when i was standing outside, staring at the rain, i saw Andy. surprisingly he stopped and talked to me for a good ten minutes. we discussed mutual friends and talked about how we both love history, cigarettes and scary movies. when he left for basketball class i proceeded to math.
the homework that was due today (which i completed) is put off until next week. so Jessica and i spent the class catching up on in class assignments and talking to the other girls about my music class. it's so cute because we are all going to be elementary school teachers are were all very enthusiastic about children's songs and story books. i never realized the itsy bitsy spider would be fun to sing again.
after class i decided a good lunch would be a soy chai latte and a reduced fat coffee cake :) i don't feel bad about it because both items were in small portions and plus i never drink lattes from Starbucks! i don't care if i see the sugar on my butt later because it was tasty :)
work has been busy off and on. about an hour ago Tracy helped me buy a pink nano ipod off of eBay for $90 well with shipping and stuff it came out to 105 but its brand new and has 8gb!

the self seeking me

blah!
today has been good but also a trip down memory lane. im not ever sure if i would say memory lane maybe more of a bad relationship haunting. yeah that's what it feels like, a haunting. Christian radio just told me keep praying, pray through all the hard times. well what exactly do i pray? please God help me see your truth and not all his lies and help me see the beauty in this whole situation. help me to not be self seeking in working out or getting ready for the day or a night on the town. i want to do the defined challenge with my dad in January but all i can think of is trying to look my best so that D face will see me and feel like a loser. how is that doing any good for me? or for him? why do i need some selfish person who is consumed with body image and consumed with getting attention from any female who looks his way? what kind of attention would i be getting? his lustful attention and that's meaningless. he's never looked at me and said, "oh what a great loving person." no he's either said, "wow she looks good ill try and get her back" or "hmm today is a bad hair and body day for her so ill call britt." im sick of wanting his attention! why am i so addicted it's done absolutely nothing good for me in the past why would it do any good now????

i would really like a day when i don't think of him. today is not that day. since i woke up this morning ive thought about the lies he's told me and i continue to take offense to them. God please i pray that i will no longer take offense to them. what's done is done and praise you for finally letting me see the real him!! i should be happy im out of the whole mess but im not happy about being deceived. i want to forgive him for going behind my back and speaking evil words saturated with honey and peanut butter. he used my favorite ingredients to make me swallow his lies and believe he could be the person i wanted him to be. i don't know how to deal with all of these emotions because i feel like there is this hole in my stomach that refuses to close. it closes for a second when i smoke a cigarette but then when the nicotine is burnt out the hole is empty again.

im such a stupid girl. i continued to push for the truth and now i have all my answers. well alot of answers and my mind is just filling in the rest. the whole thing is haunting me!!!! ugh!!! i just want to beat the hell out of him!!! why would you do that!! that smug asshole text me and said i took her to the beach and my sister's wedding, we had an amazing time. wow!! i freaking hate you!!!!! before he left he cried until he had a bloody nose and when he came home he was right where we left off. "just be with my katie, i want to be your only one." fuck you!!! fuck you!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what am i suppose to do with all the rage... ugh... just let it go.. just let it go. his sin will find him out. i hate being right about everything when it comes to this. i knew better everytime!!!! he took advantage

I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!

oh i am furious right now!!
don't F with me you son of a ugh!!. i should have been alot meaner earlier on. i should have destoried your life when i had the chance and when it would not have made me look this stupid!!
she's not even pretty!! ahh..i really thought the girl had a chance but when i finally looked at all of her pictures...she's a dog! it's like the mullet fat asian again!! accept this chick isn't fat, she actually has a pretty nice body. her face tho!! like reallly?? he said it himself, "id take a nasty faced girl with a sexy body over a gorgeous faced girl and a nasty body." who the fuck says that! like really who!? a moron that's who!! and he had the nerve to call me "half retarded" yea because i fn dated you for so long that's the only reason you thought that about me!! she's all about politics and the news..that's awesome..that's how adam is and i like that about him but D man (pussy of a man) didn't even vote!! didn't vote!!!!! and he is dating a girl who was student body president. i asked him what he thought about the canidates and he said, "they're equally good." well how so? "i dunno..they just are." wow fn really?? hmm i wonder what your political short haired burnette girlfriend thinks about your stupid ass mind. i hate you so much you bastard!!!! no wonder why you were so nice to me whenever i found anything out, you were afriad i would tell her. then you finally pissed me off enough and i did tell her you disgusting cheater!! you even cheat on math tests and pyschology tests. i can remember one time telling you i was afriad to take my math test and you said, "just look at someone else's paper." "is that what you do." "yeah, when i don't know the answer." don't call me "half retarded" when i pass all my classes on my own and you pass them (oh wait you fail a class every semester) by cheating. what a great fn nurse you're going to be.. oh wait you can't get into nursing school.

Tonight is movie night with ashley and hopefully ashlynn and for sure mario (the adorable hispanic guy with the cute smile. i met him at a party once where i played quarters with a glass of orange juice and he laughed and made fun of me.) we're seeing the new brad pitt movie!! it's about wwII but it looks like there will be a very funny twist on it. i wonder if the vets think those sort of movies are amusing? i wonder if in 60 years we'll find a twin tower movie amusing? hmm i like that were going early (7pm) the last year of my life has been a series of very late movies followed by bad choices. it's feeling good to go to bed early and to be hanging out with people who don't make me feel like im not good enough and im okay being myself with. i feel like the pressure is off in some weird way :)
today i took a shower in my madre's new bathroom..the lady installed two shower heads.. it's purty nice! it was like i was showering in the hot jungle, waiting for the man of my dreams under a waterfall spraying ice cold water in every direction!! just kidding it wasn't near that cool.. sorry mom.
work has been dull with spurts of business every few hours. watching my dad get his "sales on" is hilarious! the man could sell anything! i love when he is here because he takes over at certain moments of the conversation and ends up selling the customer far more than they knew they wanted.. lol. he has his little sales techniques, sort of like tonyisims. earlier i said to tracy, "look he's doing the water trick again.."

Like finding ten dollars in your pocket!

so far this morning i rode on a bike for an hour next to eric and des. we went 12 miles! it was great and now my calves are sore :) that means im skinnier! jk

a customer of ours blew out a tire on our curb so he is talking on his cell phone pacing around the store, which is okay by me because he's not talking my ear off he's talking to the poor guy on the phone.

that gym boy text me again..ugh. after he told me why he works out i find him completely unattractive. :P what a bore! can i please meet a guy who wants more to life that a good body and to talk about himself?
well i meet those guys but ruin it for myself.

thank you Jesus for diet coke. i know that it is probably not your will for diet coke to exist because there are homicidal chemicals in it, but thank you for a drink that tastes like im not on a diet :)

oh! i found my new pink watch yesterday! it was in the pocket of my jeans..good thing i checked before i washed them :) thanks mom for that life lesson you instilled in me years ago, "always check your pockets before you wash your clothes!"

Thanks to you Mr.O

life's been fun talking to Adam again. boy is that kid driven! i love talking to him because he is so excited about life and he accomplishes all of his dreams. without him even realizing it, he's like my encouragement life coach. apparently on Craig's list you can search for one of these coaches and pay someone to tell you to get off your big butt and do something with your life! like lose weight or fix your marriage or not be such a pansy and ask a girl out. he's my coach for insecurity issues and i don't even have to pay him! yay! it's extremely cheesy but talking to Adam makes me look toward today as one more opportunity to be happy and meet new people and love on those i have. the morning he left i walked out to my car to go to work and he had left his Superman t shirt on the hood of my car. despite where he and i will end up together or not together, the fact is, the boy gives me peace. looking at the Superman shirt in the backseat of my car makes me smile every single day :) thank you Mr.O

stay away find safe places to swim and play!

the last few days have been weird, fun, annoying, exciting, confusing, and eye opening all at the same time. this morning i woke up with relief. im not forced to be with a guy i broke up with for good reason and then told him i missed him and still like him and now after spending three days straight with him i realize why i don't like him. he moved, so that ended that. if he hadn't moved i would have had to go through the drama of telling him i didn't want to be with him once again this time would be the third. the brake ups with Daniel seemed crazy and only likely because of our situation. that is true however, being off and on with adam for the third time shows im the crazy one. different guys same girl always the same thing..maybe im the problem. well not the problem, but im the girl who can't make up her mind and stick to being alone and finding out with i want to do with my life. hey all you hot boys who im attracted to STAY AWAY! i don't want to date any guy i think is attractive and who thinks im attractive back. that's stupid... "oh he's hot..and he thinks im cute lets have a bad relationship and ill hate you at the end :)"

smile

hahaha! so if you haven't noticed i tried to update my blog and make it look hip and trendy like the rest of you blogedy bloger sons! the pineapple picture cracked me up before and now that its posted on half on half my blog it's even funnier :)
Danielle will save the day!!! she's my geeky superhero bestfriend who watches video blogs and plays zombie plant games on the internet:)

blue eye shadowed beauty

wow im a rA tard!
i just wrote this long post about how my heart is hurting and blah blah blah. nobody wants to hear about my polution! ill write about something fun or maybe not fun but at least more entertaining that boys and how they suck and someone should cut off every penis who ever wronged any girl.
today im a total stinker butt! i didn't shower and i forgot to put deordorant on. thank you Jesus for tracy because she has some in her office :) my hair is a greasy mess on top of my head and half my blue eyeshadow came off my right eye. today is not the day i find a husband.

the girl who became a toy

it's over for good. the sad part about everything is that a i feel so stupid for putting up with everthing for this long. no longer do i have to worry about whether or not he is telling the truth or him always saying no to hanging out with my friends. i don't have to feel like i need to answer to him when he asks where im at or what im doing. i know he only did those things because he can't be trusted so why should he trust me. i don't have to worry constantly if he really loves me for me because i know he doesn't. he's never cared about my family or cared to get to know my friends or church family. thats how you really get to know someone is by being emursed in thier life. he never gave that to me. i know he is still playing the same control game with me. randomly calling me at work to, "say hi" why do i let him do that to me? why is that okay with me at all or how has it ever been okay? am i the controling one who needs constant attention or reassurance that a guy is into me or not quite over me yet? it's all a bunch of crap and i literally have no idea how this constant gut renching feeling in the pit of my stomach is going to go away. this game of control over who calls who and who doesn't call back or text is sickening. i have a list of reasons to hate him but when i go thru them all i end up hating myself for letting it all happen. i want to be done trying to figure him out. i have this urge to jump inside his brain and disect it to figure out why he is the way he is and just how twisted he thinks. i let him ruin everything for me. and it's me ruining it for myself because i can't say no. dear Jesus please grab ahold of me and don't let go of me. shake this addiction and confusion out of me please! please i beg you!

it's raining its pouring the old man is soring! he went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning!
oh my goodness that pour old man! nursery rhymes are ridiculously morbid. the old man was just trying to go to bed and instead he knocked himself out and couldn't wake up...as in he died?? creepy! now im creeped out by my parents who let me read that sort of thing.
well anyways i may officially be done with tanning. today in the paper, one of our customers who owns Golden edge tanning was interviewed in a manipulative way. he said the journal took advantage of him and misrepresented everything he said. anyways the article was talking about how absolutely horrible tanning beds are for peoples skin. they compared it to arsenic poisoning.

this morning i went the the gym to do legs and i saw craigers mccool! he went to Canada last week for his grandmother's funeral. he said she was the most loving person he had ever met in his life. he said at the funeral they couldn't help but be happy because she had such a great life and without a shadow of a doubt she was with God. the way he was talking about her, describing her unconditional love for people made me want to be like her. before Craig left for Canada last week i saw him outside of Starbucks. after he told me he was about to leave i said, "you better get me a key chain you crazy Canadian!" so instead this morning he gave me a black and white track jacket that says "Canada" on it :) i'm trilled! oh man that reminds me, the same day i saw him at Starbucks his brother and younger cousin came up to us at the car. these two are like the two brothers from ocean's 12. they are always up to no good and getting into whatever kind of trouble sounds good at the time. right when they walked up to the car they looked at each other then looked at Craig and said, "hey man, you wanna get some fireworks before we leave and light them on the road?" so funny because they were dead serious and they always come up with some retarded antic. seeing guys like that make me want to either have a few sons or just marry a guy who is up for whatever as long as morally right ;)

Trainies nexted out

so this break up was pretty much set up for me. after not asking how my morning was or how my workout went over the phone and telling me, "i just wanted to call you back so you didn't think i was ignoring you." no i wasn't calling to say "hi" or "i miss you" or "just wanted to see what you were up to..." he text.. how was your workout. so we started to talk and i told him i had so much fun with destiny at the gym and on our walk last night and of course he asked the question, the one i knew was he was going to ask sooner or later. "So what does destiny think of our situation?"
man if there was ever a perfect way out of a relationship and onto the things that matter most to me this was it! i told him she thought i needed a spiritual leader and someone who was just as excited about God as i am. then i reached in and grabbed my guts and held them as i text, "im not going to lie, its hard that you don't love God." well something like that..
maybe if he had the love of Christ in him and read God's word, a whole lot of bad "stuff" (thats for you danielle) would have never happened in our relationship. all i know from this entire situation over the past two years is: boys do not change for girls, they are only "trainable." still the same person just a little disciplined.

lei i just read your blog and it has inspired me to vent as well.
im right there with you when you say FML. mine consists of the same old crap. being mad every other day at a boy who doesn't really care about me and who i can't see even marrying because of what a jerk he's turned out to be. rather than sitting and thinking through my problems and figuring out a resonable solution, i light a cigarette instead. im positive im addicted because danielle offered to pick me up yesterday to go to jack in the box and i declined because i wanted to drive and have a smizzy (chris and bri's word for a cig). now today Daniel is being weird. he called this morning and when i called him back he said, "im at the bank ill call you in a few." yea that was and hour ago. he's with his bf Kang and Kang is that guy who thinks girls are only good for one thing and that no one should have a gf. so im assuming daniel is playing the cool guy and not calling because Kang is around. :) thanks for being a douce bag it really makes my day! so i just text and said, "did you forget to call or do you just not want to because you're with Kang?" it will piss him off and then ill get blamed for the whole thing. i love my life! hahahaha he just wrote back..." i called and left a message, check your voicemail." wow i do suck. i hate my life! im such a crazy B i hate it.

im sipping on hot coco in the middle of the day during 100 heat :) the hot coco helps me bear the freezing cold AC ive talked about before. plus i wanted something chocolate. today danielle and i have decided we need to be good masters and take our puppies (who haven't grown in months) the the dog park. im looking forward to it. i need some sun and the company of my best friend. jack jack will be thrilled! first riding in the car with me and then getting to play with a million other puppies! life is good!