the girl who became a toy

it's over for good. the sad part about everything is that a i feel so stupid for putting up with everthing for this long. no longer do i have to worry about whether or not he is telling the truth or him always saying no to hanging out with my friends. i don't have to feel like i need to answer to him when he asks where im at or what im doing. i know he only did those things because he can't be trusted so why should he trust me. i don't have to worry constantly if he really loves me for me because i know he doesn't. he's never cared about my family or cared to get to know my friends or church family. thats how you really get to know someone is by being emursed in thier life. he never gave that to me. i know he is still playing the same control game with me. randomly calling me at work to, "say hi" why do i let him do that to me? why is that okay with me at all or how has it ever been okay? am i the controling one who needs constant attention or reassurance that a guy is into me or not quite over me yet? it's all a bunch of crap and i literally have no idea how this constant gut renching feeling in the pit of my stomach is going to go away. this game of control over who calls who and who doesn't call back or text is sickening. i have a list of reasons to hate him but when i go thru them all i end up hating myself for letting it all happen. i want to be done trying to figure him out. i have this urge to jump inside his brain and disect it to figure out why he is the way he is and just how twisted he thinks. i let him ruin everything for me. and it's me ruining it for myself because i can't say no. dear Jesus please grab ahold of me and don't let go of me. shake this addiction and confusion out of me please! please i beg you!