curt and i arrived in
Seattle yesterday afternoon. mom and uncle john picked us up and they were so excited! not about us but about telling us that they found the most perfect plot for my grandma, right across from my grandpa jack :) they both kept saying, "we're the best!" and later John said, "you know that was God send." my mom was so relieved the plot was that close to him. she thought for sure grandma's would be next to the road or somewhere
inconvenient were cars drove over as they turned the corner. but no it's perfect.
when we pulled to my grandma's little brick house, her brand new sage green car was just sitting in the driveway, i told myself, " get ready." i walked in and everything looked the same and smelled like it always does. the grandma smell is by far the best of all. it's not a nasty old people smell, like the
poopy smell covered up with
Chanel number 9. no it's way different,
im sitting here now and i can't even
describe it. it's not old people smell at all. it's like laundry,
covergirl makeup, food, coffee, a hint of cigarettes still in the walls from when she was a smoker and dust from the backroom no one ever goes in. all i know is that when her door opened memories slapped me in the face as soon as the smell hit my nose. i walked all around her house. everything left just as she left it. her silky night gown moo moo (one of the many i would borrow and sleep in
every time she came in town or i went to see her) is still sitting on her night stand next to the picture of grandpa jack when he was young and in the military and those fake diamond
earrings im sure
kayla talked her into buying. after looking around for a bit, i went to go pee and as i was sitting there taking care of my
bodily functions i noticed my grandma's blow dryer still out and the paper she wrote on everyday to record her weight.
im used to to not seeing her everyday because we live so far away but even now being at her house i feel like
im waiting for her to come home and say, "Ah, baby! i love you so
much!" i keep wanting to snuggle her and hold her rough little hands. today is the viewing and tomorrow is the funeral. i get to see her and touch her one last time.
im not scared
im just worried i won't be able to walk away.