vacation time means blog time!! yay!! it feels like summer again at work, without the warm sunny weather and the cute bright pink halter top. i came in at eight this morning and so far i filed, checked facebook, vacuumed, ate two pieces of the yummy banana bread Sweetie's cleaning made for us, and just finished reading the money chapter in Blue Like Jazz. in an hour i get to leave and go hang out with my Grandad while my Nana goes to her writer's group Christmas party. last night she was so excited about how fun the white elephant gift exchange is going to be. it sounded like she just learned what a white elephant gift exchange was because she explained the whole process in a pretty detailed enthusiastic manner. lol she's adorable. so i might be getting a new truck, my car is falling apart so my dad is buying a new truck and giving me his old one. the term "old one" refers to his super nice, taken care of, very new ranger pick up!!

the Lord says to not delight in other people's misfortunes, like finding joy when someone you dislike has heart break or looks stupid in front of other people. that's what im going through now.
i had a very funny chat with my friend Ben today over text. he was telling me about his liar of a friend and how he has this stripper girlfriend, he steals Ben's clients, he is still trying to get with my friend and blah blah blah. well the D face got brought up because not only does he at exactly like Ben's friend but Ben works with him. well after D face was brought up in comparison to Ben's friend, Ben went off to me about a bunch of negative stuff about him. im not going to repeat it because it's gossip and i get too excited about what he said. that's my problem and the point i am trying to make, im taking delight in the fact that horrible thoughts are circling around about him. im refreshed to find out that im not the only one in the world who knows the truth and that not only do his friends know but all of his co-workers. im not trying to justify feeling glad about people's opinions of him, but after all that has happened, it's nice to know people agree with me.

why does God make it so that men lose their hair around forty? every man would be so much more attractive if God let it stay in. OK so scientifically we need our hair for protection and warmth right? well do old men not need protection and warmth? hmm i hope my hair stays in.

Coldie but Goodie

today has been a great rainy day :)
i took a US History midterm this morning and i feel pretty good about it. the study secession with Mara was fast and informative last night. anything i didn't know she knew and vise verse. later i had yoga and i decided to leave during corpse pose to go outside and smoke a cigarette. (Oh by the way i did a head stand in class!! yay! my first two ever!) it was a good decision because when i was standing outside, staring at the rain, i saw Andy. surprisingly he stopped and talked to me for a good ten minutes. we discussed mutual friends and talked about how we both love history, cigarettes and scary movies. when he left for basketball class i proceeded to math.
the homework that was due today (which i completed) is put off until next week. so Jessica and i spent the class catching up on in class assignments and talking to the other girls about my music class. it's so cute because we are all going to be elementary school teachers are were all very enthusiastic about children's songs and story books. i never realized the itsy bitsy spider would be fun to sing again.
after class i decided a good lunch would be a soy chai latte and a reduced fat coffee cake :) i don't feel bad about it because both items were in small portions and plus i never drink lattes from Starbucks! i don't care if i see the sugar on my butt later because it was tasty :)
work has been busy off and on. about an hour ago Tracy helped me buy a pink nano ipod off of eBay for $90 well with shipping and stuff it came out to 105 but its brand new and has 8gb!

the self seeking me

blah!
today has been good but also a trip down memory lane. im not ever sure if i would say memory lane maybe more of a bad relationship haunting. yeah that's what it feels like, a haunting. Christian radio just told me keep praying, pray through all the hard times. well what exactly do i pray? please God help me see your truth and not all his lies and help me see the beauty in this whole situation. help me to not be self seeking in working out or getting ready for the day or a night on the town. i want to do the defined challenge with my dad in January but all i can think of is trying to look my best so that D face will see me and feel like a loser. how is that doing any good for me? or for him? why do i need some selfish person who is consumed with body image and consumed with getting attention from any female who looks his way? what kind of attention would i be getting? his lustful attention and that's meaningless. he's never looked at me and said, "oh what a great loving person." no he's either said, "wow she looks good ill try and get her back" or "hmm today is a bad hair and body day for her so ill call britt." im sick of wanting his attention! why am i so addicted it's done absolutely nothing good for me in the past why would it do any good now????

i would really like a day when i don't think of him. today is not that day. since i woke up this morning ive thought about the lies he's told me and i continue to take offense to them. God please i pray that i will no longer take offense to them. what's done is done and praise you for finally letting me see the real him!! i should be happy im out of the whole mess but im not happy about being deceived. i want to forgive him for going behind my back and speaking evil words saturated with honey and peanut butter. he used my favorite ingredients to make me swallow his lies and believe he could be the person i wanted him to be. i don't know how to deal with all of these emotions because i feel like there is this hole in my stomach that refuses to close. it closes for a second when i smoke a cigarette but then when the nicotine is burnt out the hole is empty again.

im such a stupid girl. i continued to push for the truth and now i have all my answers. well alot of answers and my mind is just filling in the rest. the whole thing is haunting me!!!! ugh!!! i just want to beat the hell out of him!!! why would you do that!! that smug asshole text me and said i took her to the beach and my sister's wedding, we had an amazing time. wow!! i freaking hate you!!!!! before he left he cried until he had a bloody nose and when he came home he was right where we left off. "just be with my katie, i want to be your only one." fuck you!!! fuck you!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what am i suppose to do with all the rage... ugh... just let it go.. just let it go. his sin will find him out. i hate being right about everything when it comes to this. i knew better everytime!!!! he took advantage